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Sister Mary Explains It All To Tom

So tonight we went and saw Late Nite Catechism, a one woman play.  The woman is a nun who comes out to talk to the audience and educate them about Catholicism.  All with a bit of a sly wink and a really good sense of humor.

Tom and I wanted to see it because A) it got good reviews, B) I, at least, am a reasonably good Catholic, and love, love, LOVE, good Catholic humor, and C) who doesn't love a god nun play. 

When shopping for tickets Tom had one caveat. He didn't want to sit in front because he had heard that the show was rather interactive, and Tom doesn't do interactive theater!  But the online ticket service only offered seats in the very front row, so Tom went down to the box office today, and bought tickets squarely in the center.  This being a rather small theater that kept us in good viewing lines, but with greatly reduced risk.

So we got there tonight, got a glass of wine, and took our seats.  Sister came out and got right down to business.  She immediately chastised three women in the front row who were CHEWING GUM!  Hel-LO!  And they had been Catholic school attendees!  Oye, such carelessness.

She then launched into a talk about Catholic philosophy regarding alien life on other planets.  This led to the subject of Galileo and the Catholic church. (Stay with me here...it's worth it, I promise!)  Sister asked what anyone could tell her about Galileo.  No one answered.  She stared at us all with that stern disappointment that only true nuns can master (this woman was good.)  When still, no answers were forthcoming, she announced that she had the class list, and would just refer to that. (Second grade reading class: Make a prediction!)

It seems that this "class list" was very closely related to the list of people who made the choice to use their credit cards to purchase their tickets.  She glances at the paper and calls on her first victim.  I can still hear it, as if in slow motion, "T-h-o-m-a-s-s-s G-r-e-n-a-a-a-c-h-e.  Where are you Thomas?  Stand up."  How he managed to keep from running for the nearest exit I'll never know.  He stood up...probably about as nervous as a kid in a Catholic school class in the early 60s.  Sister asked him about his status as a Catholic (baptized, but not practicing) and told Sister what he knew about Galileo.  She was impressed and corrected him only on the fact that the church in fact did not burn him at the stake, but rather kept him under house arrest.  Now I want to tell you that during his Sacramento theater debut I was busy offering him silent support through my love and devotion, but let's cut the crap...I was laughing myself into a coma!  For his trouble he received a prayer card of three aliens praying to the Blessed Mother (see the show, and it will make sense.)

Later in the same show, Sister asked if anyone knew the name of the process whereby the bread, water, and wine become the body and blood of Jesus.  No one raised their hand.  I knew the answer.  And I certainly wasn't about to let Tom have all the fun so up my hand went.  "Yes young man, what's your name?" Sister asked.

"My name is John, Sister", I answered. (I wasn't about to have the "J.D." discussion with this woman.  We'd have never gotten home.)

"John, what is the name of this transformation?"

"Transubstan..tion, Sister," I replied.\

"Tran-sub-stan-ti-A-tion....kind of tough to say, isn't it John?"

"Yes Sister, especially after a glass of wine."

"John did you go to Catholic school?"

"Oh yes Sister."

"You know John, I think you might be my favorite."

"Thank you Sister." (Thus illuminating the cause of my hated status in my past at Our Lady of Perpetual Help Catholic School.)

For my troubles I received a holographic prayer card of Saint Lucy where her eyes jump from her head to the plate in her hand. (Long story...Google her.)

All in all this thing was a blast!  If you are now, or ever were Catholic, you will enjoy it mightily. I'm quite tempted to go back for Sister's Catholic Catechism in a few weeks. Tom even recovered before show's end, and even asked Sister a question about Purgatory during the Q & A.  Give that man a prayer card of aliens praying to the Blessed Mother, and he's your bitch!

As we left she met us in the lobby as she was taking a collection for retired nuns, and said goodnight to us each by name.  Very cool.

November 17, 2009 |

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